Museum-shop worthy: clockwise, a lucite bud vase, a Jean-Michel Basquiat melamine plate, patterned pencils and fabric bones for Fido.

By Janet Kelly

AS YOU hectically check off your holiday shopping list—Ugg scuff slippers for your daughter-in-law, a premium-label Scotch for your stepson, hot pink Converse high-tops and Nike Air Force sneakers for the kids—we’d like to offer an alternative to the typical grind.

Big-city residents in New York, Boston, DC and Pittsburgh have ready access to a secret resource — well, maybe not-so-secret but overlooked opportunity to shop in person. You’ll likely escape the crowds, not to mention get a chance to take in an exhibit after at least a couple of years. Don’t expect to find something for everyone in these mostly small shops. But, whether you’re looking for a stocking stuffer or something more serious, you’ll score some unexpected items bound to delight those difficult-to-buy-for folks on your list. And, pssst: you can also shop virtually at all these stores.

Designed to tickle the fancy of the tiniest tyke on your list, this large (16 inches-by-16 inches) Diplodocus plush toy in organic cotton will charm its recipient as well as add character to the nursery. It’s $45 from the Carnegie Museum of Art store.

A Hanukkah celebration (the holiday begins the evening of December 18) becomes more festive with an elegant menorah (12 inches -by-12. 5 inches) topped off by pomegranate embellishments. Michael Aram’s design inspiration is a 17th-century British textile in the Metropolitan Museum of Art‘s collection that depicts the Tree of Life. The menorah is $195.

Wouldn’t it be fun for a fan of  Jean-Michel Basquiat to eat off a plate with his artwork, in which he masterfully mixed graffiti, African-American historical figures and pop-culture images. A set of four will entertain friends as well. It’s made of melamine and sells for $30 at the Carnegie Museum of Art in Pittsburgh.

Based in the Italian city of Mantua, Seletti is a homewares brand known for playful tableware and accessories that find inspiration in pop art. Tickle someone pink with Seletti’s melamine lipstick Tray that’s $46 at the Museum of Arts and Design in New York City.

The National Building Museum (401 F Street NW) in Washington, D.C., focuses on the history and impact of architecture, engineering, landscape architecture, construction, planning and design on our lives. It also has a first-rate store, where we found the ideal gift for your favorite DIYer. The DIY Mug ($14.40) is chockablock with tips and tricks to save both time and money.

In the unlikely (ha!) event, you lose just one glove, to the rescue these Pair & a Spare Touchscreen Gloves. With three ambidextrous gloves, you won’t be left out in the cold if one goes missing. Plus, the thumb, index and middle fingertips are knit from conductive yarn so you can use your phone, tablet or any touch screen while fingers stay warm. One size fits most, and they’re available in color block combos of lilac and melon, black and gray, rust and cobalt and red and lime for $40 from the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA). 

For the classics lover in your life. The image on this lacquered wood tray ($105) from the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s shop is taken from a Roman fresco in the Neapolitan villa of P. Fannius Synistor, which was buried by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD.

Reimagined by designer Ellen Van Dusen, of the brand Dusen Dusen, for MoMA, this version of the popular Subu slippers comes in three bold color-and-pattern combos with a matching dust bag of the same fabric. Think of them as a warm down jacket for your feet. They’re $75.

Give a dog a bone. In this case, it’s an organic cotton-filled one, available in five designs at New York City’s Neue Gallerie, a museum devoted to early 20th-century German and Austrian art and design. The bones are $30 each.

Think how much pleasure—mixed with frustration, perhaps—your book-loving friend and/or relative will have poring over the pieces in this puzzle. I’d Rather Be Reading is $17 at the Frick Pittsburgh.

Wrapped in design patterns from the collection of NYC’s Cooper Hewitt, this pack ($8.99) of eight standard No. 2 wooden pencils would be a cheery addition to a dull desk at home or in the office.

Delight the modernist in your posse with a lucite bud vase (three-inches-by-five-inches) in a choice of  three colors: smoke, orange or blue. Each sells for $142 at the Museum of Arts and Design.

A hand-painted candy swirl covers this notebook of blank pages. A great gift to inspire doodlers, writers or anyone with or without a creative streak. It’s $29.95 at Boston’s Institute of Contemporary Art.

MyLittleBird often includes links to products we write about. Our editorial choices are made independently; nonetheless, a purchase made through such a link can sometimes result in MyLittleBird receiving a commission on the sale, whether through a retailer, an online store or Amazon.com.

Give the gift of Hermès fragrances, a rich makeup palette from Dior, Wander’s lightweight gels for face and lips, Kiehl’s merry masks and Trudon’s opulent candle.

By Janet Kelly

IT’S BAAACK—your December dilemma. What gift will you buy your niece Nora, your daughter-in-law Diane, your BFF’s Barbara and Bonnie? And, how about that teen and tween?

Assuming you have some cosmetics enthusiasts on your list, gift sets may be the answer. What makeup maven or beauty lover wouldn’t love to get a curated trio of lipsticks, blushes, luxury hair potions or a quartet of dreamy fragrances for the holidays?

Skincare and makeup companies frequently offer limited-edition packages of their products this time of year, but this season, there’s an abundance of choices from even more vendors, including smaller companies like Wander Beauty and Jones Road.

Below is our roundup of of our favorite offerings—to give and maybe receive, too.

Make a friend’s hands happy. L’Occitane’s trio of creams ($29, Sephora) in the season’s scents will moisturize and soothe even the driest of dishpan hands. Plus, they’re handsomely packaged in a festive holiday box.

In addition to Retin-A and it cousins, dermatologists concur on the beneficial effects of vitamin C. Ole Henricksen’s four-piece set of skin-illuminating products includes a daily cleanser with orange fruit water, a 15% vitamin C serum, a hydrating gel with three types of vitamin C and a C-infused eye cream to correct under-eye darkness. It sells for $50.40 and will brighten someone special’s Hanukkah or Christmas holiday.

For your hair-obsessed favorite niece, consider a crowning glory of a gift like Oribe’s Gold Lust Collection($115). A picky friend with gorgeous hair noticed some shedding and thinning and invested in the brand’s shampoo, conditioner and nourishing oil with happy results. To sweeten the package, the products come in a limited-edition box featuring original artwork by Japanese artist Kohei Kymomori.

No, Trudon’s 9.5-ounce classic Gloria candle ($145) is not a set. But when you’ve had a whiff of the scent of patchouli, vetiver and cedar wood wrapped in cinnamon, clove, nutmeg and citrus, you may think Gloria emblazoned with its 24-karat gold symbols (a shining star, a clover, a sparrow and a pair of angel wings) should have some company. Other sizes include the Petite Bougie (a votive), the 2-pound Intermezzo with three wicks for an elegant dinner table and the five-wick, 6-pound Great Candle ideally situated at the head of a grand staircase.

Girls of any age will have fun experimenting with the three face masks in Kiehl’s Merry Masking Holiday gift set. With benefits for all types of skin, a clay deep-pore cleansing mask draws out impurities and unclogs pores, a calendula-infused one refreshes, hydrates and soothes, while a turmeric-cranberry mask brightens and energizes complexions. It sells for $40 at Sephora.

The two essentials in a makeup bag—blush and mascara, of course—are a package deal in Pixi’s Makeup Duo ($22). A mix of ginseng, aloe vera and fruit extracts, the On-the-Glow blush gives a hint of natural color while moisturizing skin. The solid stick format also makes it easy to swipe on the lips. The Large Lash mascara adds volume that can be built up without leading to brittle lashes, thanks to ingredients like vitamin E, panthenol and bamboo extract that strengthen and nourish.

After exiting her eponymous brand, in 2020, makeup legend Bobbi Brown launched her next act—Jones Road. Brown calls it a “collection of simple, smart products for all ages, skin types and skin tones that help women achieve the no-makeup makeup look naturally.” The 101 Set includes two shades of complexion pencils to conceal and even skin tone, an inky, pigmented black mascara and Miracle Balm, a light-reflecting product to wear alone on cheeks, lips or eyes or to layer.

What’s better than one fragrance choice. Four! That’s how many are in Hermès’s Compose Your Own Set of Colognes  ($136). Enjoy choosing which 15ml travel sprays you want as a gift for yourself or another lucky recipient.

Pictured above, from left to right are eau de citron noir (citrus fruits combined with smoky and woody notes of black lime), eau de basilic pourpre (purple basil with geranium), eau de rhubarb ecarlate (crisp but with mellow notes) and eau d’orange verte. Plus, there’s that distinctive Hermès box, which contains them all.

If you have any doubt what to get a tween—or teen—on your list, IMHO, you can’t go wrong with this set of six scents from singer/songwriter Ariana Grande. Each .25 ounce fragrance is named after one of her hit tunes. It sells for $48 at Ulta.

Beauty advent calendars from the likes of Charlotte Tilbury, Liberty London, Space NK and Christian Louboutin are already sold out. A choice from Dermstore, a trusted source for skincare and beauty products, which includes 25 products, is still available. Among the treasured contents are a SkinMedica Dermal Repair Cream, a Kate Somerville vitamin C serum, a 111SKIN Rose Gold Facial Brightening Treatment Mask and a Peter Thomas Roth eye cream. For yourself or anyone who enjoys the thrill of a cosmetics hunt. It sells for $150.

Oh what fun it will be to play with Wander Beauty’s Mini Double Date Lip + Cheek set ($25, Bluemercury). Six mini lightweight gels will flush cheeks, brighten eyes and blush lips shades Spring Fling (peachy pink), Suite Talker (nude peach), Rendezvous (peony pink/clear), Honeymoon (rosy nude), Be Mine (watermelon pink) and Swipe (clear balm). All shades can be used alone or layered with other colors. What teenager wouldn’t love this?

Content is king, of course, but a metallic case with celestial motifs will hold pride of place on any self-respecting vanity. Inside, Dior’s multi-use makeup palette includes one illuminating powder, five eyeshadows, four lip shades, two blushes, a double-ended applicator for eyes and lips and a blush applicator. For those of us who can’t find the lipstick or blush we’re looking for, it helps to have them all in one place.  It sells for $115 at Saks Fifth Avenue.

MyLittleBird often includes links to products we write about. Our editorial choices are made independently; nonetheless, a purchase made through such a link can sometimes result in MyLittleBird receiving a commission on the sale, whether through a retailer, an online store or Amazon.com.

Clockwise from top: Shiny gold block heels from Frances Valentine, Tory Burch’s version of the Mary Jane, Le Monde Béryl’s bejeweled buckled heel and Kate Spade’s glittery take on its popular taxi style.

By Janet Kelly

TO LAUNCH the holiday season, we’re focused on how to light up our wardrobe. Beginning at the bottom, here are 11 shiny pairs of shoes on our radar fit for upcoming festivities.

While I’m a sucker for the look of traditional loafers, I see this pair of gold metallic penny loafers stepping up my style. They sell for $105 at Boden.

Shiny silver patent leather, combined with bejeweled buckles on three adjustable straps and a manageable 1.4-inch block heel, make Le Monde Béryl’s Alexia Mary Jane an elegant, foot-slimming, party-ready pick. They’re $698.

Kate Spade’s taxi flats in yellow and black are nothing short of adorable. For the holidays, the Gogo Taxi Flats ($174) gets a festive update—with glitter.

To prove that sensible party shoes are not an oxymoron, J. Crew’s Millie ankle-strap heels, crafted in luxe Italian metallic leather with moiré accents on the captoe and heel, come with an almost 2-inch (aka very danceable) block heel. They sell for $248.

What would Kate Spade have done? She’d have worn these these square-toe block heels on their own with casual pants and perhaps a fairisle sweater or as the finishing touch to a full-skirted cocktail dress. They sell for $348 at Frances Valentine.

Rothys’ sleek, pointed toe shoes in platinum shimmer with a darker silver toe are flats, but they’ll give a lift to any outfit during the holidays or just about any other time. Plus, they’re comfortable, washable and knit from plastic bottles. They’re $149.

For holiday doings, Larroudé refreshed its Blair ballet flat with high-quality, silver-mirror patent leather, a sleek silhouette and an adjustable ankle strap. They sell for $315.

Inspired by a racing shoe, Onitsuka’s Serrano style in midnight blue with gold suede accents is constructed with a lightweight nylon upper and a textured rubber outsole that looks like the spikes of a track shoe. Energize your sneaker collection for $80 from Amazon.

Tory Burch tweaks the classic  Mary Jane  with sporty, puffy padding and luxe metallic leather. A tubular Velcro strap and cushioned sole ensure this flat is comfortable all day long. It’s currently reduced from $328 to $199.

You don’t have to be a skier to wear Moon Boots. Initially, beloved by skiers as the comfiest, warmest shoe for après ski in the early ’70s and the early 2000s, it later morphed into footwear for snowy, city streets. This metallic Moon Boot, waterproof and rubbed soled, sells for $175 at Farfetch.

Ugg updates its signature silhouette in a Classic Maxi Short Boot that looks like a puffer jacket for the feet. Lined in a wool blend for softness and warmth, it’s treated to repel light amounts of water. For a head-to-toe look, pair with an actual puffy down parka.

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By Grace Cooper

ONE HUNDRED and fifty first and last dates—that was my dating “strategy”of the last decade, slowed only by a few years of remote and virtual dating during the Covid quarantine.

I’m not proud of that number of fizzled, failed and outright potential relationship flops, but then again I am not apologizing for why I refused to bond to any one man before I was ready.

There were a few who made my toes curl with excitement whenever I recalled passionate kisses. Others were hard lessons learned. Eventually though, I changed—kicked my codependency habit—because of dating. 

Let’s be honest. Change is hard, but if you buy into the science of evolution, change is necessary for survival of any species. And when I finally found the courage to leap out of my long dysfunctional marriage, I promised myself that survival was the goal. No longer would I blame my husband for imprisoning me against my will. The cage door was always open. I simply needed to have the courage to fly.

Dating taught me that I do not need a man in order to survive or thrive. Dating taught me about my own likes, dislikes and values. Dating taught me to draw and unapologetically enforce boundaries around what I hold sacred. Dating taught me about limerence vs. like vs. love. Dating taught me to be patient and steadfast—trust grows only with consistency over time. Dating taught me that hormones are still potent chemical messengers capable of rendering even the most sensible, stoic woman a blithering idiot in a single session of parking-lot passion. 

A sweet, former, first-and-last-date writer friend wrote to me recently about his confusion in the wake of what he termed a five-week, “nuclear- fueled” passionate romance that melted down suddenly when she inexplicably dumped him. I listened to him ruminate with my usual impatience, then offered this advice:

Don’t try to get inside her head looking for answers; get inside your own. What did you learn? Decide what real love looks like to you, and if that’s truly your end goal, what will you do differently next time? Breakups are messy, often inconvenient and downright painful, but they also offer the potential for new beginnings. And new beginnings are opportunities for personal growth so here’s to breakups, first and last dates and romancing the self—at least until the real deal comes along.

Stay tuned…what does true love resemble? 

Recommended listening: “Hearts Content” by  Brandi Carlile

—Grace Cooper (a nom de plume) left her long marriage a decade ago, and with it went all sense of her identity—but not for long. Now 67, she has begun chronicling her tales of looking for love in all the wrong places, and unexpectedly finding herself.

By Janet Kelly

ON THE third season of HBO’s “Succession” (it ended nearly a year ago on December 12, 2021), Kendall Roy sported a luxe cashmere baseball cap sans logo from Loro Piana. And just like that, it sparked a trend for similar status-y styles.

Fast-forward to fall, 2023, when Fendi designer Kim Jones introduced the label’s own version of the baseball hat—covered in an acid-green tech fabric adorned with a matching mini version of the famous Fendi baguette. Having achieved It-style status in the late ‘90s thanks to Carrie Bradshaw aka Sarah Jessica Parker, the bag continues to charm.

While the baguette, which is celebrating its 25th anniversary, will set you back at least a few thousand (new sequin styles ring in at more), the cap—an accessory-adorned-accessory sells for a ka-ching, ka-ching $920. Similarly embellished wool beanies and gloves in lilac or beige are $720 and $650, respectively.

However, living vicariously, we hope we’ll see Carrie wearing Fendi’s new baseball cap on the second season of AJLT, scheduled to air in March, 2023.

MyLittleBird often includes links to products we write about. Our editorial choices are made independently; nonetheless, a purchase made through such a link can sometimes result in MyLittleBird receiving a commission on the sale, whether through a retailer, an online store or Amazon.com.

This season’s knits: Cozy and cool. 

By Janet Kelly

MY STASH of sweaters, including a navy blue v-neck from Uniqlo I purloined from my husband, made perfect attire for a mostly stay-at-home existence. Currently they’re more of a closet snooze.

Zara calls this soft moss-colored knit a wide lapel sweater; to us it looks more like a sweater with a cape and a very cool-looking one at that. It rings in at an easy-on-the-wallet $49.90.

The first time I encountered the name Pier Antonio Gaspari was while browsing the offerings at a neighborhood shop last week. Intrigued, I looked for more of his designs and found this bold-colored intarsia-knit cardigan. It’s currently sold out in bright orange, but the standout sweater is still available in an equally vibrant ocean blue at Farfetch for $941.

Here’s another one of Pier Antonio Gaspari’s arty designs. The turtleneck with abstract embroidery is $314.61 at Italist.

You might be tempted to pair Mango’s pearl-embellished chunky knit sweater with a silk or satin skirt or pants for a dressy holiday occasion. That’s fine, but may we suggest you consider countering the feminine vibe of the sweater with a pair of jeans? It’s $79.99.

Polo styles like this Alex Mill Alice Polo sweater ($285) and Tory Burch’s (see above) are a welcome sight for anyone who loves the classic preppy look but not its classic colors and patterns. In luxe, two-ply cashmere, Alice is available in oatmeal, black and gray, as well as this excellent shocking pink. A cotton version for $135 comes in red, navy, oatmeal and emerald.

Happily for SAD sufferers, pink is popping up all over, like on this oh-so-soft wool and mohair blend sweater from By Malene Birger. The cozy knit has an easy, relaxed fit with a v-neckline and slightly billowy sleeves. Complete the look and pair with the matching skirt or for a contrast in texture, with leather trousers. It sells for a spendy $750 at Moda Operandi.

Milanese women nod their heads in approval when you mention Perserico. “High quality,” they say knowingly. We think this ombre alpaca-blend sweater will prove their point. It’s $339 at Farfetch.

&Other Stories’s wool-blend glitter cardigan throws a little light on the subject—you—which is always a good thing, holiday season or not. Plus, it comes in this lovely lilac color—for $119.

Laid-back dropped shoulders, chunky ribbed trim and a color-block pattern distinguish Cos’s mohair oversize v-neck cardigan ($235). Although it’s no longer available in dark green and cream as shown here, there are a few sizes left in a navy and cream combo.

Turkish label Siedrés is known for sunny hues and patterns. On the label’s website this letterman sweater  is  paired with multicolored print pants, accented with shiny stone details. Alternatively, the acrylic knit v-neck cardigan would make nice with boots and boyfriend jeans. It sells for $280 at Moda Operandi.

Ganni updates a classic half-zip pullover ($445, Frankie Shop) in a speckled blue-and-white hue and a textural cable knit. Curious about those luscious blue pants? We were, too. They’re vegan leather trousers from Nanushka, but they’re sold out for the moment.

Seventy’s alpaca-blend cropped sweater with sleeves that hit just above the elbow won us over with its pale green color, bouclé texture and embroidered-crystal neckline.

French fashion label ba&sh shows off its je ne sais quoi chic in its sweater collection. Par exemple, this 1960s-vintage-inspired Bianca cardigan with bracelet sleeves, retro buttons and decorative braid trim on the pockets and front placket.

MyLittleBird often includes links to products we write about. Our editorial choices are made independently; nonetheless, a purchase made through such a link can sometimes result in MyLittleBird receiving a commission on the sale, whether through a retailer, an online store or Amazon.com.

Left: The sedate Martino Midali bag that I bought in Milan several years ago. Right: The same bag with an embroidered strap purchased this September in Venice. Vive la différence. 

By Janet Kelly

TRAVEL opens your eyes to the new and also to what you may have seen before but never noticed. That’s the lofty goal, anyway. On a much more practical level, though, I had one of those “Aha” moments this fall while strolling through Venice with my friend Melissa.

We had both seen handbags accessorized with contrasting straps instead of the predictable matching leather ones but had not been intrigued enough to buy. However, when we saw shop after shop in Venice filled to the brim not only with all types of handbags but also with rack after rack of embroidered, striped and patterned straps (sold separately), we dug into our wallets.

Like us, you probably already have a few favorite bags. Instead of shelling out big bucks for a brand new one, change the look of the ones you have to something more casual or hip or just fun by swapping out the chain or leather strap.

Our picks below range in price from a $17.99 nylon leopard print strap at Etsy to a $350 chain link style from Versace and styles in between from brands, including Clare V, MZ Wallace and Salt.

Clare V’s resin Shortie strap ($85) pairs here with the brand’s Mirabel crossbody bag, but you can attach the fern green handle to any bag with D-rings to change its vibe from sporty to funky to demure. The chain, which also comes in tortoise, neon yellow, black and orange, looks good with neutral hues as well as other colors. Here’s a black-and-white check clutch with a blood- orange chain.

Another Clare V offering, a red-and-navy braided shoulder strap, will brighten up the look of a square sac, as well as a suede small tote.

LEFT: Shearling coats, jackets and bags are Italian fashion designer Simonetta Ravizza’s wheelhouse. Her bags, which come in lilac, orange, fuchsia and red sell for about $900; her leather and shearling shoulder straps go for a third of that price. Besides fuchsia with purple, they come in neon green and lilac and beige and cordovan. They’re $298 at Farfetch.

CENTER: When an evening out calls for some glam, zhuzh up your bag with Versace’s sleekly designed and polished Chain-Link shoulder strap, accented with a charm detail. It’s $350 at Farfetch.

RIGHT: Cinzia Macchi, founder and designer of Milan-based La Milanesa uses recycled fabrics and trims for her handbags. Each of her collections collaborates with a charity to help female victims of abuse. Complement your bag with her pink feather-trimmed shoulder strap ($102, Farfetch) for a whimsical accent.

You can’t buy Gucci ‘s strap with its signature colors apart from the label’s Attache Large Shoulder Bag. But it’s just such a good example of how an accessory can change a handbag from serious and formal to more casual, yet striking.

MZ Wallace’s Micro Crosby crossbody bag ($145) is so darn cute on its own. It looks even better with its sunflower-and-blue-striped strap, which sells for $55.

If you’re wild about animal prints, breathe easy because they never—well, almost never—go out of style. So, buying one or three (they come in five different colors) won’t ruin your budget. They’re $17.99 each at Etsy.

Turn a ho-hum bag into a statement— hook it up with one of Salt’s textured, 41-inch-long Classic crossbody straps ($148) in shades of natural, fuchsia, violet and forest green, finished in buttery black leather. Woven by Columbian artisans, there are more than 20 patterns from which to choose.

MyLittleBird often includes links to products we write about. Our editorial choices are made independently; nonetheless, a purchase made through such a link can sometimes result in MyLittleBird receiving a commission on the sale, whether through a retailer, an online store or Amazon.com.

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By Grace Cooper

“And when Love speaks, the voice of all the gods makes heaven drowsy with the harmony.”

— Love’s Labour’s Lost by William Shakespeare 

I RECONNECTED with a dear friend at a party she hosted the other night and as the last guests were leaving, she pulled me aside to talk. Last year, two years out from her husband’s death after a long illness, she asked me to teach her how to date. We discussed the pros and cons of online dating, but when she finally decided to give it a try, I helped her choose flattering photos and edited her expository essay as well. And then she launched herself into the fantasy universe of Match.

Periodically the two of us would get together to share stories about mostly disappointing dates, but it became awkward between us when we realized that we’d been dating the same men on more than one occasion. At that point we agreed to stop discussing men, but it left a hole in our friendship to have to dance around that fun topic.

So when I saw her the night of her party, she was practically bursting with excitement to tell me that she’d met “the one.” I held my breath when she revealed that he lived 500 miles away! They’d met sailing, at a marina in a town on the seashore where both owned summer homes. Over the course of a few months of dating, they’d both fallen “in love,” or more likely in a state of limerence and lust, but who am I to judge? 

Rather than weigh in on the psychology of long-distance relationships, I simply listened as she bubbled over with happiness and excitement, noting that her very physical appearance changed the more she spoke of their plans for the future. Then she said this, “the only fear I have is that he’s so much older than I am.”

Ah, the fear that love will die is so ingrained into our psyche by this stage of life. She has experienced the angst of ushering her husband of 35 years through a long painful illness until he finally passed. Yet, the desire to live and to love again must be honored. So rather than throw cold water on the embers of romantic passion, I encouraged her to throw herself into the flames. 

“Go for it! I’m so happy to see you so happy!” I said with all the encouragement I could muster for a friend who deserves all the happiness she can wring out of these last years of whatever time any of us have on this Earth. 

The French have a wonderful term for that intimate relationship that jumpstarts the heart and brings one back to life —un coup de foudre— the bolt of lightning. Limerence, lust, or love…whatever it takes to fill your sails, dear heart. “May you have fair winds and following sails.”

—Grace Cooper (a nom de plume) left her long marriage a decade ago, and with it went all sense of her identity—but not for long. Now 67, she has begun chronicling her tales of looking for love in all the wrong places, and unexpectedly finding herself.

Clockwise, from left: Masks for all occasion—Warhol’s Marilyn Monroe mask for sleep, a Venetian-made  showstopper, a femme fatale option and an elaborate plague protector. 

By Janet Kelly

AMID HALLOWEEN hoopla that seems to grow every year, I mostly have been a bystander, eschewing costumes and masks and all spooky decor. Oh, I like handing out candy to little kids as they toddle up the stairs in front of my house and gobbling up the leftover sweets the following days. Admittedly, by the time All Hallows’ Eve ever arrives, I’ve scarfed down my fill of my favorite Reese’s peanut butter cups and Butterfingers.

This year I feel more like getting into the act—maybe because the specter of Covid has lifted, if not disappeared, and I’m putting on my stash of protective face coverings on fewer occasions. Speaking of masks, I’ve discovered a couple of sparkly and feathery festive ones in my office closet. My husband and I plan to wear them Oct. 31.

If you don’t already own some Halloween masks, we’ve identified some splendid ones to celebrate trick-or-treat this coming Monday. We’ve also found some, let’s say, alternative choices.

Masquerade as a creature of the night. Crafted from fabric feathers, Grandin Road’s Owl Mask molds to fit the face with a black elastic band that secures it. Should you want more of a costume, wear it with a feather boa or cape. It’s $19.60. Order by tomorrow—October 26 at 4pm EST— to get it by Halloween (with two-day shipping).

LEFT: Made after an original design developed in Venice for Commedia dell’Arte during the late 17th century, this gorgeous gold mask with flowered pleated jabot will stun trick-or-treaters or partygoers at a masquerade fête. The purchase price is $300 at 1st Dibs.

RIGHT: Physicians who tended to plague victims in 17th-century Europe prescribed “protective” concoctions while wearing beaked masks—probably not as elaborate as this 1.1-pound Halloween plague mask ($375) made of resin and PVC with faux feathers.

Channel your inner va-va-voom with this Femme Fatale mask from the Original Venice Shop. Handcrafted in papier-mâché and manufactured in La Serenissima (it comes with a certificate of authenticity), it sells for $37.01.

LEFT: A veil topped with a black pumpkin and feathers makes an easy-to-wear Halloween headband. No big investment needed. It’s $19.60 from Grandin Road, and if pumpkins aren’t your thing, choose headbands topped with spiders or bewitching accents.

RIGHT: This Columbina Venetian mask in papier-mâché ($32.89, Etsy) is hand decorated and colored with acrylic paint and gold or silver leaf. Available in nine other colors, it may arrive too late for Halloween, but it’s a beauty you can save for next year. It’s $32.89 at Etsy.

Feathery finds in my office supply closet. We may have to flip a coin over who wears which one.

LEFT: We recommend this satin, silk-filled Warhol Marilyn eye mask for artful shuteye, if not for Halloween. It’s $19.99 from the Carnegie Museum Stores.

RIGHT: Most appropriate as a face cover for All Hallows Eve, you can also wear the Scream neck gaiter as a headband, hood, scarf, etc. Thanks to its stretchy fabric, it’s comfortable as well as multifunctional. And who can’t relate to Edvard Munch’s famous painting of human anxiety?

Trick-or-treating can last for several hours, depending on factors like weather and where you live. In between greeting goblins and ghouls, take time to pamper yourself. Winter is coming, so hydrate your skin and improve its texture with Lancôme’s Advanced Genifique Hydrogel Melting Sheet Mask (4 count), which sells for $55 at Neiman Marcus. Should you happen to go back to door duty while you still have it on, you’ll look like you’re wearing a ghost mask.

Do your best interpretation of The Phantom of the Opera by donning Dr. Dennis Gross’s FaceWare Pro for Halloween night. It’s an FDA-cleared light therapy device for the face that combines 100 LED lights in red and 62 in blue that supposedly works  to smooth wrinkles, firm skin and diminish discoloration. Pricey, yes (it’s $435) but guaranteed to scare the unsuspecting and it might even improve the look of your skin.

MyLittleBird often includes links to products we write about. Our editorial choices are made independently; nonetheless, a purchase made through such a link can sometimes result in MyLittleBird receiving a commission on the sale, whether through a retailer, an online store or Amazon.com.

Clockwise from top left: Deborah Vivas’s statement cuff, Elizabeth Garvin’s swingy earrings, Liaung-Chung Yen’s Just Like Spring pin and Hannah Long’s cityscape earrings.

By Janet Kelly

WITH ALL due deference to Tiffany, Cartier, et al., grown-up girls who covet quirky, one-of-kind pieces of jewelry should head to this weekend’s Smithsonian’s Craft2Wear show.

A fanciful pin that says spring by Liaung-Chung Yen.

By Grace Cooper

To listen to while reading: Does Not Bear Repeating by The Weepies

RECENTLY, a reader asked me an interesting question: “Grace, in an earlier post you mentioned attachment theory. I listened to an NPR synopsis of the book The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love, and was inspired to read it. I understand that deciphering your own attachment style helps with self-regulation in all established relationships, but how does this knowledge enhance the dating experience?”

Great question that I will answer with a question—is love blind or is love predictable?

A bit of background information first. Based on the original researchers of attachment theory (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969), attachment is defined in this way:

An attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space.

Psychologists debate the origin of human attachment styles, with the Freudian camp attributing our attachment styles to how our parents cared for us during childhood. Other authors stress the importance of later life intimate relationship experiences, while Bowlby himself believed we are all hardwired to attach via our genetic expression.

In a series of groundbreaking experiments, Bowlby noted these distinct attachment styles that are recognized in all babies:

Anxious babies are distressed when mommy leaves the room, take a long time to settle upon her return, but then are ambivalent– a mixture of angry and happy for some time afterward.

Secure babies are distressed when mommy leaves the room but quickly become happy and calm upon her return.

Avoidant babies demonstrate no visible distress when mommy leaves and ignore her upon her return, but their physiological response of increased heart rate and high cortisol levels belie this façade.

It’s understood that an infant’s exhibited attachment styles reliably carries through into later life. Yet interestingly, at any age, it is possible to modify attachment insecurities to achieve healthier intimate relationships.

Statistically, attachment styles follow a bell curve distribution. Amir Levine, author of “Attached,”says that 50% of people have a secure attachment, 25% an avoidant attachment, 20% anxious attachment, and the rest falls into the fearful category (with unhealthy traits from both).

So back to dating and how attachment theory can come in handy. You’ve heard the expression “opposites attract.” Based on attachment styles alone, opposites are indeed attracted to one another but only come together to play out their attachment disorders in a hellish dating game often referred to as runner and chaser. In today’s dating culture, much has been written about horror dates, such as the ghosters, the self-sabotagers, the clingers, the players, the emotionally unavailable, et al. Relationship high drama is entertaining on the big screen and in gossip columns, but healthy, satisfying, secure relationships are based on stability, open communication and partner predictability.

Take this short quiz, long on useful information for understanding your current intimate relationships, but also accurately predicting how successfully you will bond with a new partner.

My results today were this: 25% anxious, 13% avoidant and 100% secure.

Previously testing as a predominantly anxious insecure attacher, I have—through therapy, practice and extensive reading about the subject—almost completely healed past attachment wounds and moved into the secure attacher mindset. What this means for all my relationships with family, friends and intimate partners is Everything! I am no longer (immediately) attracted to avoidant types who wring every drop of energy out of this former codependent enabler. The sense of freedom from fear that I will be abandoned cannot be overstated.

Here are brief descriptions of the four types of attachment styles:

Anxious preoccupied: Anxious attachment is characterized by a persistent feeling of stress related to the dependability and security of your intimate relationship. You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like your partner to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner’s behaviors overly personally. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret.

Dismissive avoidant: It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency, and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be in a relationship, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners, and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner.

Anxious avoidant: A blend of anxious and avoidant styles, they can be unpredictable and not easily defined. Similar to the avoidant, they initially come across as secure and emotionally available, making it destabilizing for their partner when they switch gears later on. Fearful-avoidant daters are simultaneously afraid of being too close and being too far, manifested as a mistrust of others, and hypervigilant for signs of being let down or unwanted.

Secure: Secure attachers say what they mean and mean what they say. Secure in their own sense of self-worth, being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your partner and can be there for your partner in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is not uncommon for you to have relationships with people with other attachment styles.

In all my 150-plus first and last dates there were a few relationships that seemingly started out well. In fact, I fell in love more than once. However, as each relationship inexplicably fell apart, I found myself on the far side of crazy, heartbroken and confused. Was it me, or was it them?

It turns out that as an anxious preoccupied attacher, I was attracting dismissive avoidants like moths to a flame. After being painfully singed more than once though, I was determined to learn a better way to negotiate future relationships. I began by working on my own insecurities, rather than continuing to allow others to define me. There is nothing like a firm foundation of unshakable self-worth, insatiable curiosity and a sense of humor when it comes to dating in midlife.

Armed with attachment theory to further refine the process, if not crack the code all together, I began to challenge all potential dates to take an attachment test and share their results with me BEFORE I’d agree to meet them for the first date! Many men balked, but many others were intrigued and cooperative. Pre-Covid vaccines, I agreed to meet an interesting man for a weekend of cycling in DC. In a series of getting-to-know you phone calls, he told me enough about his past relationships to make me wary – three prior marriages and claimed to be “best friends” with all three ex-wives. Hmmm….sensing a pattern here.

Yet he was charming, funny, a cyclist, and I was eager to get the hell out of Covid prison for the relative safety of an outdoor date. Prior to our agreed upon rendezvous, I asked him to complete the quiz for me, results to be shared over dinner in an outdoor café. He agreed!

As I’d suspected, he tested strongly in one category of attachment style.

“Is that bad?” he asked anxiously over appetizers, as if I were about to diagnose a dreaded disease.

“It’s neither good nor bad”, I replied, in my best Brené Brown impression…”it is what it is.”

By the end of dinner, he had admitted he craved the security of being in a relationship and married all wives quickly, yet after a few years, he’d begin to feel anxious and initiated a series of relationship sabotage behaviors—affairs, drinking to excess, arguments, etc., that ultimately led to his divorces. But once free, he missed what he’d lost and thus reestablished “friendships” with his exes, keeping them close, but not too close for comfort.

Can you guess what he scored?

Yep. Anxious avoidant through and through. Charm aside, can you imagine falling in love with such an insecure attacher?

He went on to tell me he’d just ended a two-year relationship with a woman he thought the world of, but decided to end things anyway. I informed him I was not going to see him again after that weekend based upon his history, but assured him that he could learn a better way of relating. Much to his credit, he was open to this advice. By the end of the weekend, we’d located a few therapists in his town who specialized in attachment disorders. Furthermore, he agreed to phone his recent girlfriend and ask her to give him another chance. She agreed, conditional upon him going to therapy.

So, it wasn’t the kind of date that led to fireworks, but at least I dodged a few bullets down the road, and best of all–parted as friends with an open-minded man who just might be a great catch someday.

To learn more about your attachment style and find ways to move toward more rewarding and secure relationships, check out “Attached.”

xoxoxo

—Grace Cooper (a nom de plume) left her long marriage a decade ago, and with it went all sense of her identity—but not for long. Now 67, she has begun chronicling her tales of looking for love in all the wrong places, and unexpectedly finding herself.

Glamorous vintage kimono wraps from Susan Bradley.

By Janet Kelly

Universal Pictures

By Grace Cooper

IN MY LAST post I touched upon the potential bad and ugly aspects to online dating after age 50. Honestly, friends, we did not grow up using this newfangled method of introductions to future romantic partners, so the learning curve can be steep. There are unforeseen dangers inherent to online dating—that much is irrefutable.  It always pays before you leap into any new adventure to do a bit of recon and homework ahead of time.

Yet here you are, reading a column on late-life romance, even though chances are the first few dating rodeos from your younger years didn’t go so well. Now, decades older, we endure cringeworthy commercials for male-enhancement drugs, and ads for blue-hair specials at Denny’s. The mainstream media rarely portrays mature people looking for a romantic restart in a glamorous way. Furthermore, our society tends to treat the thought of elder romance in a somewhat patronizing and condescending manner. “How sweet” we smile, whenever we pass a gray-haired couple walking hand in hand. Few of us allow ourselves to imagine these adorable duos sans clothes, doing the dirty between satin sheets.

There are a few delightful rom-coms, such as Something’s Gotta Give and It’s Complicated, in which romance between the heroine and hero are portrayed in a more empathetic and laudable way, but it’s still Hollywood’s version of reality depicted in upscale lifestyles. I mean Diane Keaton’s kitchen in Something’s Gotta Give is still swoon worthy. And who wouldn’t fall for Meryl Streep’s character—a woman who smokes dope with Alec Baldwin on their first date and then when the munchies kick in, bakes him the perfect pain de chocolat at 2am. Hardly relatable to how I live my life.

So, why not just throw in the towel and adopt a cat? After all, by now you’ve probably found a few fun girlfriends to hang with, and there is always the joy of babysitting grandchildren every weekend so their harried parents can experience a weekly “date night,” hopefully to rediscover why they ever took the leap into marriage, mortgages and the mayhem that comes with raising kids.

Most of us don’t live like movie stars in rom-coms, granted, but why not dream a little dream of your own?  We Boomers aren’t obligated to play dead yet, and as unimaginable as this may seem to our youth and wealth-obsessed society, who is braver than an older woman who picks herself up, dusts herself off and enters another romantic rodeo?

We deserve to be happy at any age, especially those for whom most of life is in the rearview mirror. Research shows that the one thing that reliably makes us happier and healthier in our golden years is meaningful C.O.N.N.E.C.T.I.O.N. Not to be too geeky about it, but humans have evolved to be neurobiologically hard wired for connection to other human beings. We are pack animals, unlikely to function well on our own. Yet much of the way we live our lives in our society devolves eventually into this—far too many of us live as singles, often lonely and depressed, disconnected from all that brings them a sense of connectedness.

We’ve known for decades that prolonged solitary confinement is considered a cruel form of punishment in prisons, banned in most international tribunals, labeled a form of torture for the severe and often irreparable psychological and physical consequences of social exclusion. In the older population, as in prisoners, social isolation can lead to severe anxiety, depression, stress, cognitive impairment and even suicide. Metanalysis of more than 200 studies demonstrates significant health impacts of social isolation, including a 30% increase in the risk of premature death, as well as an increased risk of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

So, we know isolation in any form is unhealthy in the worst possible way. Yet, human beings also possess brains that are “prediction machines.” We learn from past experiences to avoid those dangerous situations that cause us harm or pain. These predictive triggers are stored in our subconscious brains, for a large part, where they control most of our reflexive behaviors. That’s why we in the USA automatically stop at every street corner and look left before stepping into the street. You do not even have to think about it consciously. Fear of being mowed down by a moving vehicle has been stored in your subconscious mind since you learned to cross a street as a child. Travelers unaccustomed to negotiating streets in Great Britain, though, must consciously think to look right to avoid stepping into oncoming traffic.

Likewise, you’d expect that social situations that led to bad outcomes during our lives we would have learned to avoid. Yet, it’s much more complicated than that. In childhood we learn patterns for how we form attachments to other human beings. In another post I will write about attachment theory and how it presents the key to how well we form meaningful connections in our most intimate relationships.

Here is one simple example of disordered attachment coupled with repetition compulsion and what some might experience in online dating:

You’ve been attracted since the seventh grade to the excitement of dating bad boys with blonde hair and blue eyes who ultimately break your heart every time. Deep in your subconscious mind, every blonde man with blue eyes is going to trigger excitement intermingled with fear. You may be simultaneously drawn to the BBB types and yet repelled. (If dad was a BBB, this one will be a slam-dunk for your therapist.)

What causes this? At a hormonal level, the thrill of chasing BBB’s releases feel-good neurotransmitters that stimulate the pleasure centers of your brain. Subconsciously, your brain begins to crave the predicted reward that comes from the thrill of the chase, yet deep in your subconscious, you are simultaneously afraid. If you had slept with a few BBB’s and experienced the big “O,” another set of bonding neurotransmitters secreted during good sex makes it especially hard to leave these no-good guys. You are now addicted in a neurochemically induced manner.

I know no one is likely to make a rom-com about how difficult it is to break neurochemical bonds, although the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, in which Kate Winslet’s character undergoes a risky medical procedure to erase painful memories of her boyfriend, comes close.

So, if you hope to have an easier, less painful and more rewarding time of dating in the future, it pays to park the romantic to the side for a while and instead closely examine what you may discover in online dating. It is indeed possible to have lots of fun, a bit of excitement, some good conversation, companionship and even a few squirts of feel-good neurotransmitters as you date. But IMHO, it’s also a great way to untangle the mysteries of whom you attract, what attracts you, what triggers the unpleasant emotions of fear, anger and shame as you make your way along this new and unexamined path.

Whether our preferences or aversions were formed in childhood, or in later life, our partner preferences are based on our unique personal experiences, with cues that predict sexual rewards, love and happiness. And just as fingerprints are unique, each one of us has exclusive partner traits directly based on our own life experiences. But unlike fingerprints, with self-awareness and conscious intention, these patterns can be reworked, unlearned and replaced with new and healthier conscious decisions to guide our dating behaviors.

Yes, girlfriend, it is indeed possible to teach an old bitch how to become a new and different B.I.T.C.H. (Babe in Total Control of Herself).

Recommended reading that’s witty, wise, and laugh-out-loud funny:

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl—A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.

Recommended listening: Strings That Tie to You by Jon Brion from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (soundtrack version) 

Namaste,

G.

—Grace Cooper (a nom de plume) left her long marriage a decade ago, and with it went all sense of her identity—but not for long. Now 67, she has begun chronicling her tales of looking for love in all the wrong places, and unexpectedly finding herself.

Ease into fall with snazzy sweater vests from Sea New York (left) and Cos (right) and mini cowboy boots (center) from Reformation.

By Janet Kelly

TRANSITIONS, transitions! The calendar says autumn, but the Fahrenheit is still reading in the mid-70s and 80s.

So, don’t put away that summer shirtdress quite yet. Use it as a base for a playful sweater vest (it has recently roared back into fashion) from the likes of Cos or Sea NY. Another comeback kid on our radar is corduroy, a transition-from-summer-to-fall staple. But this season cords (jackets and pants) break from traditional colors like black and dark green to bright blues and pinks and can be worn as suits. Loafers are, er, a shoe-in for fall. Instead of reliable cordovan, go for a pair in plum suede from Doc Martens to ground that denim skirt or try short black cowboy boots with white piping from Reformation.

For more basics that are not so basic, see below:

Bright color is everywhere for fall. Wear this orange-and-hot pink jacquard sweater vest sleeveless for now; on cooler days, layer it on top of a creamy long-sleeve blouse. It’s $98 at Anthropologie.

Charmingly retro, Frances Valentine’s wool Finley Blazer ($498) is nipped in at the waist for a flattering fit, and I just love that plaid.

‘Tis the season for slipping on a fringe suede jacket and stepping into a cowboy boot. These Otto ankle boots distinguish themselves with authentic Western piping and padding near the toes for extra comfort. We prefer wearing them with a denim skirt, but a prairie dress would pass muster as well. They sell for $398.

Sea NY’s knit sleeveless vest  ($495) in a merino wool-and-linen blend is knit with oversize geometric shapes that creates a kind of 3D effect. The roomy fit (generous armholes and side splits) is an invitation to layer.  Slip it on and feel ever-so stylish.

For Doc Martens fans, a different look. The suede on this Snaffle Loafer ($160) is made in England, and the soles are heat-sealed for durability. Best of all, the plum color.

The Frankie Shop has also climbed on the suit bandwagon with its oversize Felola Blazer ($199) and matching pants ($115) in a gorgeous sapphire navy. The midweight fabric (polyester, rayon and spandex) makes it a candidate for buy-and-wear now, but the generous fit also allows layering it over, say, a crochet sweater.

MyLittleBird often includes links to products we write about. Our editorial choices are made independently; nonetheless, a purchase made through such a link can sometimes result in MyLittleBird receiving a commission on the sale, whether through a retailer, an online store or Amazon.com.

By Anne Kisslinger

DR. TINA ALSTER is a whirlwind, running her dermatology practice, raising money for charity and, as we’ve mentioned before, showing us how to spend our skincare money well and even how to pack sensibly for a weekend trip.

But she wanted to share with us, and all her fans, the way to shop sensibly for skincare items in a regular drugstore. So MyLittleBird arranged with CVS headquarters to allow Dr. T full run of the makeup and skincare aisles of the Georgetown branch to show us how to shop.

Here’s the video she and her staff produced to help us find our way.

Tarte Fake Awake Eye Highlighter

By Janet Kelly

MyLittleBird often includes links to products we write about. Our editorial choices are made independently; nonetheless, a purchase made through such a link can sometimes result in MyLittleBird receiving a commission on the sale, whether through a retailer, an online store or Amazon.com.

iStock

By Grace Cooper

—”Idiot Heart”

(Song by Carsie Blanton)

ASSUMING you’ve stabilized emotionally post-divorce—that is, found a therapist, a support group, or adjusted your meds—you might now be ready to take the plunge into the virtual reality of online dating pools. But before you leap, there’s much to learn in terms of maximizing safety and preserving sanity, for instance.

Do you have any idea what you want to find in a new relationship? Yes? Great! That makes it much easier to navigate this journey. No idea? Neither did I, but in another post, I will detail how I used 150-plus first and last dates to discover the good and the not-so-good aspects of me for the first time as well as what I’m looking for in a partner.

Ever since online dating began to catch on, various researchers and authors have explored the math and the science of dating sites, with the goal of cracking the code to maximizing your chances of meeting a good match. Largely, it’s a numbers game—the more dates you go on, the greater your chance of finding “the one.” But it’s more complex still. The dating sites themselves collect algorithms based on what they learn about you as you browse profiles and as you send “likes, or winks,” or email correspondence. Tinder launched in 2012 on the back of the explosion in smartphone use. Just two years later it was registering more than a billion “swipes” a day. The more you participate on the sites, the more the sites reward you with suitors who meet your algorithmic criteria—or so they claim. It’s no exact science, though—at least not any that works for the subscribers. Despite the limits I placed on a geographic radius, I used to shake my head at all the matches sent my way from far-flung towns 3,000 miles away, and Canadians who were unable to cross borders for two years during the pandemic. Tinder is one of several brands that falls under the Match Group umbrella.

Let’s start by choosing a site because there are dozens of them, although you might be interested to know almost all the services operate under multibillion-dollar international corporate conglomerations. Yet, they all have their somewhat unique process for matching you to potential suitors. Here is a decent description of the more popular sites with the over 50 crowd: “Top 9 Dating Sites For Seniors 50 And Over Looking For Love.”

I’ve only experienced Match and for a few years during the pre-vaccine Covid pandemic, I was a member of the Elite Singles crowd, so to comment on the other sites is outside my range of expertise. Basically, dating sites vary widely in price, in member subscribership, and ease with which you can customize such things as geographical distance, physical attributes, age range, personal interests, educational level and athleticism. Most of the sites will allow you to browse their membership somewhat, or even offer a free introductory period. Know that they all claim success in matching one single to another, and some even claim credit for many marriages. Yet my suspicion is that these claims refer mostly to the varying number of candidates that get dumped in your profile inbox daily. Sorting and culling the herd of potential dates is up to you alone. You must be realistic and proceed with caution, armed with solid information, and a sense of adventure.

Before you enlist, I recommend you dream up a fake name and create a Gmail account with that pseudonym. I am not suggesting you borrow the name Julia Roberts, or Christie Brinkley, but now is your chance to get creative. This will be your name for all email communication—on or off the dating sites. It will also be your name when you have your first date, and on the second date, if you still have any lingering spidey sense (ability to sense and react to danger before it happens).

How to present yourself in the best possible light? There is information aplenty on this topic, from dating coaches to psychologists, so Google away. Most all of them certainly emphasize the importance of choosing flattering photographs to post in your profile. We’ve all heard that men are visual creatures, and because first impressions are the bait you cast on these sites, success comes down to how well you show off the unique allure of wonderful you. Here’s a fun link to self-proclaimed “dating experts”—“a visionary, a soulmate specialist, a numbers cruncher and a miracle worker,” who are all in the business of guiding mostly men to successful internet dating: 16 Tricks to a More Attractive Profile Pic [Backed by Science!]

I preferred to steer clear of businesses such as these, but I did find their advice to “squinch” for the camera too funny not to share this article with you.

So you’ve signed up, checked all the boxes the sites suggest on hobbies, pets, kids, education, drinking and exercise habits; some sites ask for everything but your social security number. Alternatively, on Tinder one swipes left to reject a profile offering or right to offer to engage—ugh! Talk about reducing this whole thing to the most superficial aspect of a relationship—appearance. Tinder, owned by the Match corporation, grew out of the hookup culture. If that’s the type of relationship you seek, no judgment. Just know that personal safety is a real consideration. Everything from assault via an undisclosed STD-which are rampant, BTW to the possibility of physical assault should be enough to give pause to meeting men in this manner.

Please put safety first. I cannot tell you how many times I met a man online who seemed reasonable enough, but in person made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I’ve been stalked and hacked and harassed more than once. Use your head, but always trust your instincts before you get your idiot heart in the game. ***Don’t feel obligated to reveal any more than you are comfortable revealing to any stranger you meet on the street. Be smart, and you’ll be safe while having some fun.

Now it’s time to compose the dreaded essay in which you must sum up what makes you, uniquely you, in just a few paragraphs. I like to write, so I had fun with this part, but most men and women struggle to capture their essence. I phoned a fellow writer I’d met online to ask for his opinion about what makes an appealing personal expository essay. His advice: Women tend to be very body conscious, but so are men, so don’t ever apologize for a few extra pounds. Pour yourself a glass of wine, relax, then write with abandon about yourself—just open up about what makes you laugh, cry, inspires you—no emotional filters allowed. Then, in the morning, edit it, but not the parts that show your fun and alluring side. He also suggested that posting a photo of yourself smiling your happiest smile is more attractive than a carefully curated glamor shot. And lastly, he advised against posting pics with your gal pals, children—and for goodness sake, envy shots from all your fabulous vacation photos are as obnoxious on Match as they are on Facebook. Be real!

Then you wait for the invitations to roll in. Or don’t wait. If you see someone interesting, send him a nudge. Email him with a clever question or comment on something interesting in his profile. Chances are, unless he is a misogynistic, narcissistic prig, he will be flattered and respond in kind. He may respond with a polite brush off, too, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Don’t linger in the back-and-forth email phase for too long though. Few men aren’t looking for a bit of spicey conversation —especially the married subscribers posing as singles —but in-person dating reveals so much more of what you’ll need to know eventually. I used to answer all email inquiries, even if I had no interest in them, based on their profiles. I learned though, that to encourage them in this way is considered by many men to be crueler than to be ignored. On the flip side, some men, once encouraged are incredibly hard to shake loose. Best not to even start down that path.

However, here is a tip I learned the hard way. Always ask a few uncomfortably provocative questions before giving out any personal info or even agreeing to exchange phone numbers prior to a date. It’s best to see how a man responds when challenged BEFORE meeting in person. I’ve had one nutball threaten me with bodily harm for daring to suggest that he might not be healed enough to date after just losing his wife of 30 years a month prior.

And finally—the date! If you like him, whether for coffee or a SINGLE glass of wine, meet in a very public place. Do not accept an invitation for dinner on the first meet and greet. There is nothing more painful than deciding five minutes into a conversation that you’d prefer to be home washing your hair. Simultaneously smiling and chewing your way through a meal with a crashing bore is painful but easily avoidable. I’ve been tempted to hike up my skirt and climb out the ladies’ room window on more than one occasion when I’ve not followed that rule.

Introduce yourself by your pseudonym. By the end of the first date, or even the third if you aren’t sure about him until then, you can laugh as you reveal your real name. He will look confused, perhaps a bit scared, but that’s okay. Explain that you are no dummy, not desperate, have high standards, and respect yourself enough to use common sense. That’s a good headspace in which to begin any relationship with a stranger. If he’s legitimately interested in you—and not simply in what he can take from you—he will be flattered to know he made the cut. If he’s looking only for a nurse with a purse, for example, and knows you are not an easy mark, he will disappear faster than you can say, “Phew, Gracie! You dodged another bullet!”

Namaste.

—Grace Cooper (a nom de plume) left her long marriage a decade ago, and with it went all sense of her identity—but not for long. Now 67, she has begun chronicling her tales of looking for love in all the wrong places, and unexpectedly finding herself.