Lifestyle & Culture

If I Were President …

September 16, 2018



I DECIDED early on not to enter politics. This pleased my mother, who wanted me to follow in her footsteps and become a Rockette. My father didn’t much care what I did, as long as I went bowling with him once a week. The truth is, had I entered politics I would only want the top job, but I couldn’t be president because I’m not much of a morning person, preferring to hang around in my PJs playing Words With Friends before I interact with anyone. Besides, if I ever were elected, I would surely be assassinated almost immediately, and who needs that?

Admittedly it would be gratifying to break the glass ceiling and be the first female president, and also the first Jew. But I’m pretty sure my core policies would be too forward thinking for most people to appreciate. Hence, there would be lots of protests. Following are my key platform items that would likely be cause for general alarm:

1. Trucks would be banned from the roads every day except Sunday, which is the day all cars would be banned from driving. This would be nice for everyone, because who likes driving with trucks on the road? Nobody, that’s who. Motorcyclists could do whatever they want.

2. All snack foods packaged in boxes and with silly names would be outlawed.

3. Mandatory weight loss programs would put an end to obesity, thus lowering healthcare costs, relieving crowded emergency rooms, opening up hospital beds for the truly sick and increasing the average life span.

4. Anything having to do with the military, trade with foreign countries, taxes and immigration would be handled by my Vice President, Condoleezza Rice, freeing me up to devote most of my time to redecorating the White House.

—Andrea Rouda

Andrea Rouda blogs at The Daily Droid.


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