Lifestyle & Culture

A Fool-Proof Diet

May 1, 2014

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One fool-proof dieting method: When it’s time to eat, simply apply a strip of duct tape over your mouth. / iStock

DIETING IS VERY POPULAR. It’s not always done just to lose weight, although that is the first thing that comes to mind. Sometimes it’s to gain weight, or cleanse the colon, or just reset the metabolism or develop better eating habits. Whatever the reason, it’s a big motivator for nutritionists and physicians alike to write books, hopefully one that will make them rich.

A cursory look online shows that quite a few comedians like diets and try to come up with some funny ones. Let me clarify: I am not a comedian and this diet isn’t funny. It is quite serious and was designed to help you lose weight and keep it off by altering your lifestyle rather than your menu. There’s no counting calories or measuring portions; eat what you wish. Nevertheless, my “30 Day, 10-Step Diet” nets results. A mainstay for many since I first wrote it years ago, simply take it with a grain of salt, and I mean one grain, no cheating:

  1. Stay home. Modern-day socializing is based almost exclusively on food consumption, so common sense tells us that refusing all party invitations is the keystone of any successful weight loss program. Whether it’s a casual dinner, a graduation brunch, a baby shower, a distant cousin’s wedding or your 25th high school reunion, just say no. Funerals are allowed, but only the burial at the graveside–no drowning your sorrows in food afterward “back at the house” with the grieving family.
  2. Schedule surgery. Even a minor medical procedure involves fasting the day before and revulsion for as much as a week after, so naturally undergoing two or more surgeries a month can result in quite a few no-food days. If you’re in perfect health you can just opt to have a few unsightly moles removed, while older folks might consider getting a hernia repair, tummy tuck, brow lift or liposuction.
  3. Lay in a supply of duct tape. If cooking is your thing, you can still enjoy preparing all the meals and serving them beautifully. But when it’s time to eat, simply apply a strip of duct tape over your mouth, then feast your eyes and smell all the goodness. After dinner simply scrape the untouched food into a Tupperware for the homeless shelter, remove the duct tape and go watch TV.
  4. Walk around naked. A very important step, this really puts the problem in perspective. Studies have consistently proven that overeating in the nude is virtually impossible. In fact, depending on your particular circumstances and how long it’s been since you saw yourself nude, you might not eat a thing for days.
  5. Shop for bathing suits. Following this rigorous exercise, you’ll be sobbing in bed– itself an aerobic activity when done properly—for several days. For quickest results, brings several suits that are smaller than your size into the dressing room. Repeat as necessary.
  6. Get something notarized. A great calorie-burner as you drive from bank to bank, get in and out of your car, and stand in line trying to find a notary who is not at lunch, on vacation or off today.
  7. Visit Disneyland. Actually, any popular family vacation destination will work just as well, as long as there are hordes of people stuffing themselves with hot dogs, taffy, cotton candy, pizza, French fries, burgers, lobster rolls, ice cream and funnel cakes. A guaranteed appetite suppressant, this works best in bathing suit season. (See #5.)
  8. Redefine food. Drop your preconceived notions of what makes a meal. For example, why not consider condiments as the main course? Mustard and ketchup are quite filling when eaten in bulk and have zero fat. Toothpicks are a fun dessert, have no calories, and keep your mouth busy, and really, isn’t that all you need?
  9. Disgust yourself. Keep a tarantula—actually any gross insect will do– in the refrigerator. This ploy will curb your desire for food indefinitely and, except for fear and loathing, has no debilitating side effects.
  10. Bite the hand that feeds you. Do this often enough and those few remaining friends and pesky relatives will eventually stop bugging you to “eat something already!” The pounds will melt away.

Andrea Rouda
Andrea Rouda blogs at Call  Me Madcap!

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