Green Acre: Planting Bulbs

A parrot tulip bulb promises this delicious, frilly result.

I’M GLARING at a box of tulip bulbs. 

It’s a lovely haul from Dutch importers K. Van Bourgondien, Inc. that includes cocktails of what they describe as Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio tulips (they’re shades of pink and purple), 100 of each, and 25 Green Wave parrot tulips, because the photo was irresistible. 

Van Bourgondien ships when it’s time to plant, which is apparently right now, since the box just arrived. Unfortunately, I’m hooked up to a 40-foot oxygen hose that snakes through the house, letting me wander from the basement laundry to our upstairs bedroom. 

Caution! Do not light gas stove within 10 feet of tank. Do not light fireplace within 10 feet of tank. 

Post notice on door: Oxygen in use.

Call fire department and warn them that oxygen is in use. 

Hold up a cross if anyone comes at you with a lit cigarette. 

And here I was, just two weeks ago, in fine fettle, having just returned from a regular check-up. Perfect! I was perfect.

Two days later I’m in intensive care, tubes sprouting like weeds (ahem, gardening column. Right). And there I lolled for a week, being doted upon by doctors, nurses, and My Prince, who sat for hour after boring hour and brought me things to eat, as the hospital food was inedible. HOW can you ruin applesauce?

I came home last weekend with an oxygen monitor, oxygen tanks—one stationary, a couple of portables, and one for date night that looks like a trendy shoulder bag, possibly Prada, and many many cords.

Pneumonia they said, a virus they said.  You’ll live! 

Cool.

I’m not glued to the tanks, thankfully. I just take a snort when my oxygen level gets low, but a bout of pneumonia and a week of lying about takes a toll. I have yet to move or re-pot my jasmines, lemon, hibiscus, and other tropicals, which must be done before bulbs go in, and the leaves are falling fast from the cherry, making it more difficult to work. Meanwhile, that bag of bulbs sneers.

I begin to hyperventilate.  

Maybe I’ll toss the veggies from the fridge bin and pack it with tulips. I can just plant them in March. You can do that, you know, give bulbs a few months of chill and up they pop. You can even do that in the tropics. 

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Budgie News. In our last installment, Cooper had tossed her defective eggs out of the coconut shell and resumed her passionate romance with Goldie. They really are embarrassing. 

Kamala, their beautiful baby, is ignored, neglected, with the promise of a playmate shattered on the cage floor.

This just in! Cooper has laid two new eggs, and I have gone from No more, I beg you to Just one, please, for Kami!