In Search of the Perfect (DIY) Waves

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By Valerie Monroe

Can’t get enough Valerie Monroe? There’s more at https://valeriemonroe.substack.com.

RECENTLY my daughter-in-law arranged an overnight girls’ trip at a mountain/seaside resort outside Tokyo for the two of us and my granddaughter, M. (Dad was working.) The activities involved a lot of bathing-suit time in a heated pool and an equal amount of naked time in an onsen (or hot spring). It was the naked time I had second thoughts about, as I tried to explain to D-I-L that it wasn’t exactly customary for a D-I-L in the US to hang around naked with her M-I-L. Pooh-pooh, you might say, get over it, but I had all kinds of projections about the effects remembering my 73-year-old naked body might have on D-I-L’s mental health.

“No problem for me,” she said—and I wisely took her word for it. Because the stunning ease around our nakedness was one of the many highlights of the trip.

When we undressed for the onsen for the first time, M looked at my breasts with effusive delight. “Grammie!” she cried, “I didn’t know you had these!” She reached up to pat them gently. “They’re so fluffy!” she said. “Amazing!”

As we relaxed into the hot water, I showed her the cesarean scar her daddy emerged from 40 years ago; her response, “But does it still hurt?,” allowed me to explain some of the miracles of modern medicine. And I watched with quiet joy her total comfort—and that of all the other women—around our nakedness. I realize this is only a narrow slice of the onsen experience, but there’s beauty here worth acknowledging.

Also worth acknowledging: A simple routine that solved a reader’s major hair-styling problem.

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Q: All that business about embracing my reflection goes out the window when I see my hair!  I’m 52 and my medium-brown fine hair was always straight as a pin. My scalp leaned toward oily, but I wore a bob with little styling effort. About 10 years ago, my hair changed to curly/wavy/frizzy. Some areas are curlier than others: I have ringlets around my nape but wild, wavy frizz on top. I live in the Deep South and I look like I’m in an ’80s heavy metal band in the humidity.

I grew it out hoping to weigh it down. I used flat irons and hot brushes. I attempted to embrace the waves. I have invested (wasted) so much money on shampoos, conditioners, curl creams, smoothing treatments, leave-in conditioners, high-end hair dryers, and assorted tools. I tried the popular (and time-consuming!) “curly girl method” to no avail. I had an expensive keratin blowout treatment a few years ago and the chemicals made my hair fall out. I now spend 45 minutes every day blow-drying, straightening, or adding curls to even out the frizz.

The gray adds insult to injury. I don’t have enough gray to go elegantly natural—but I do have enough to need expensive root touch-ups every five weeks. My sweet stylist manages to blow it out nicely when touching up my color, but I think she’s at a loss for a style I can manage myself. (And she always sells me more product, LOL.)

Even with all this time and upkeep, my hair looks . . . just okay. I let it all go for a few months, but I looked shipwrecked. Short of a buzz cut, I don’t know what to try next.  

I’m spending too much precious time, money, and energy on my hair, and that is insane. Do your experts have any insight into how I might embrace this situation?  

With much love and undying respect.

A: Dear Reader, I thought about shortening your question but found it too compelling. I gave up on my hair during the family trip described above, because of the time submerged in water, and noticed how different I felt about my appearance. By “different,” I mean first displeased and finally, accepting. I was very aware of how significantly we’re affected by feelings about our hair.

I recently found a stylist in Tokyo who figured out how to give me a weekly blowout that resembles the one I get at home. Though I’ve loved visiting Japanese hair salons because of the pre-blowout treatment, I could never get the styling results I wanted. At Gold Salon Tokyo, Howard Lee Regner, an Aussie expat—imagine a cross between Kenneth Branagh and Eddie Izzard—managed the feat. So I showed him your email and the photos you sent to illustrate your frustration. Immediately, he knew what to suggest.

“That one,” he said, pointing to your photo with soft waves. “That’s quite pretty.

“There’s no point in trying to get a sleek look,” said Howard. “It’s fine in the salon—but at home you’ll get a better result with your natural waves, because you’re not fighting your texture.”

Howard thinks part of your problem is that after your hair loss, new hair is coming in at different lengths; also, you’re getting gray—and gray hair is a different texture from non-gray.

His advice? First, don’t over-wash your hair; twice a week at most. Second, use product . . . though Howard offers a caveat. He recommends either the Oway Curly Potion or Paul Mitchell’s The Cream Styling Conditioner, both leave-in products. But you must use them correctly. Follow exactly this straightforward directive:

After shampooing, before your hair begins to dry, “get the product into your hair and be generous with it,” said Howard. Then, take chunks of hair about the width of a 100 yen coin (or a medium carrot) and twist them tightly in a random clockwise and counterclockwise pattern all over your head. Around the hairline, twist away from your face so that when you undo the twists, your hair won’t fall into your eyes.

Once your twists are done, let your hair dry naturally, or use a diffuser. Whatever you do, do not touch it till it’s 100% dry. (Howard says this somewhat threateningly.) Don’t use a brush or a comb. Once it’s completely dry, break the twists with your fingers. If Howard is to be believed (and I believe him, as I’ve seen him get these results in the salon), you will have smooth, shiny waves that won’t be disturbed by humidity. Caught in a sun shower? Just put a few twists in your dampened crown and around your face to refresh.