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By Valerie Monroe
If you’re interested in feeling happier about your appearance—especially as you age—you might like reading what she has to say about it. For more of her philosophical and practical advice, subscribe for free to How Not to F*ck Up Your Face at valeriemonroe.substack.com.
Can’t get enough Valerie Monroe? There’s more at https://valeriemonroe.substack.com.
I COULD hear the excitement as soon as I opened the door. Scrambling and urgent calls of Grammie, Grammie! Entering my son and daughter-in-law’s apartment at the end of the day, I’m often still greeted like a returning hero. But on this particular evening, my granddaughter, M, rushed at me head down, open-mouthed, a little billygoat coming in for a bite.
“Your tooth!” I said, as she raised her face to me. “You’ve lost a tooth!” Which precipitated a little jig on M’s part with an extra twirl to examine the situation herself (for the millionth time) in the hallway mirror.
Loyal readers will know that during a recent Japan trip I managed to fracture my ankle; I’m so grateful it was uncomplicated, wasn’t painful, and that I was able to get around fine (though I was a bit limpy) with a walking cast. The fracture concentrated my appreciation for being here, because it reminded me of what I might have taken for granted: a long stay, my independence in a foreign environment, and the glorious opportunity to witness milestones from M’s childhood.
So I’ve been thinking about witnessing and presence and—because I suspect you come here to read something about beauty—what effect presence might have on how we feel about ourselves as we age, and how it might influence the way others see us.
Why is presence increasingly important when we feel more vulnerable about our appearance, as many of us do as we age? I think when we’re engaged and appreciating the world, the boundaries between us disappear. I once tried explaining it like this:
It’s easy to be very happy, noticing things to admire rather than looking only for ways to be admired. You know that feeling you get when you see a lush summer garden, abundantly green and fragrant and riotous with blossoms? Does it bother you that you’re not as beautiful as it is? No, of course not; it’s a garden. Its beauty has nothing to do with you, takes nothing away from yours. In fact, standing in the middle of a flourishing garden, filling your eyes with the deep and impossibly delicate colors, inhaling the odors, sweet and complex, you might feel more beautiful, more precious yourself, marveling at your own ability to perceive it all.
And what happens when you feel more beautiful and precious yourself? That’s what you project—a more integrated and, consequently, present person. You can be this person with or without a facelift. What matters is that you’re here for it. This is what “ageless” actually looks like.
And now, a reader question.
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Q: I’ve been “the brave one” for decades now, but my grandmother’s pink-scalp-through-the white-hair look has arrived. Trying not to be, but I am undeniably sad about it. Is there anything that can be done?
A: Now I’m thinking about my beloved grandmother, Bammie, whose salt-and-pepper hair, as I remember it, was always thick and perfectly coiffed. No pink-scalp issue for her.
I, however, am less lucky. As soon as I read your question, I ran to a mirror to check on what I thought I’d noticed for the past couple of months: a more visible part in contrast to my white/blonde hair. (Confirmed. Motherf*cker! I said.) I guess it happens to the best of us.
What to do? I asked Marie Leppard, senior colorist at New York City’s Julien Farel Salon, for suggestions. “I’ve noticed the pink scalp issue is typically on fair-skinned/light-haired clients,” she said. “It’s most obvious after a color treatment when the scalp looks pinker and might be slightly irritated.” But the scalp can also look pink in contrast with very white or light-colored hair. (As we know.)
Anything that will help conceal the contrast is helpful, said Leppard. Thickening shampoos can mimic fullness and hide the scalp. As for styling, don’t overload hair with product, because that will weigh it down. Overcompensating with too much volume results in wispy-looking, cotton candy hair, so go for a sleek style with volume only at the crown. And avoid parting your hair in the center; an uneven side part will make your hair look fuller and show less scalp, as will pulling your hair back from your face.
I just thought of something even scarier: a pinker, sunburned scalp. An excellent reason to wear a hat this summer.
