Our Prompts Have Changed

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THIS MORNING, like a fool, I tried to call my doctor. As usual. That’s not happening. Instead I got the recording which, like every other recording of its type in every other office of any kind, said, “We are currently assisting other customers. Please listen closely as our menu prompts have recently changed.”

That is such bullshit! Are we really supposed to believe that all over the entire country, workers are busy in offices changing the menu prompts on answering devices? Why would that be? What was wrong with the old prompts? And how come the prompts are never any different anyway?  They’ve been the same for years! Instead, here’s what those recordings should say to be truthful:

“Thank you for calling Yarmouth Family Practice. If you believe that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide, Press #1 and someone will be with you shortly. You are the next caller in the queue.”

“Thank you for calling Yarmouth Family Practice. Please listen carefully because even though our prompts have not changed at all since the day we installed this answering system five years ago, it takes a really long time for you to hear them all, giving us extra time on the phone with our mother, boyfriend, husband, child’s teacher, pet sitter, manicurist, airline reservation clerk and/or bookie, to name just a few.”

“Thank you for calling Yarmouth Family Practice. Hang up now as you have a far greater chance of winning the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Prize than speaking to your doctor, or even a nurse, anytime soon. Better go to the ER.”

“Thank you for calling Yarmouth Family Practice. All of our representatives are either hanging around the break room drinking coffee, out buying lunch, stuck on the daily Sudoku or online looking for a new job.”

“Thank you for calling Yarmouth Family Practice. Currently our lone receptionist is having a texting argument with her teenage son and since there are 15 callers on hold ahead of you, just log on to WebMD and figure it out for yourself.”

——Andrea Rouda

Andrea Rouda blogs at The Daily Droid.