Comfort for Sale

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OF ALL THE brilliant lyrics written by John Lennon, one line that sticks in my head illustrates how perfectly he captured so much in so few words: “I read the news today, oh boy.”

I read the news today, and oh boy. While there was no mention of “4,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire,” still there was plenty of death and destruction to go around. In fact, being highly empathetic my mood gradually soured as I turned the pages of the newspaper, and by the time I reached the editorials I was weeping into my oatmeal, which actually wasn’t all bad since it was too thick anyway and the extra water helped.

Pulling myself together, I forged onward and found a brief article about cuddling, a therapeutic technique developed specifically to calm sufferers of anxiety, i.e., everyone who walks upright on two feet. Business is booming under President Trump, who is making everyone nervous with his constant tweeting. Turns out being a professional cuddler is a real job— who knew? You can work for companies like Cuddle Party, Cuddlist, Cuddle Sanctuary and Cuddle Up To Me. Following is an ad for one called Cuddle Comfort:

BECOME A PROFESSIONAL CUDDLER
Are you a kind, caring and understanding person who loves to cuddle? Become a Professional Cuddler with Cuddle Comfort and earn great money as an independent contractor. Be your own boss and get paid after each session with flexibility of your own schedule if you fit these requirements:
* You have a photo to attach.
* You can be affectionate to anyone.
* You are accepting of all races, ages, genders and sexual orientations.
* You should be reliable with strong interpersonal and communication skills.
* Ideally you should be a woman —the market for male cuddlers is very small.
* You understand and agree to the Cuddler Contract.

—Andrea Rouda
Andrea Rouda blogs at The Daily Droid.