Green Acre #460: Things Are Looking Up

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By Stephanie Cavanaugh

HOW IS A cut flower like the male “member”? At some point, both tend to droop, to disappointing effect.

Thankfully, there is a solution for both: Viagra.

According to the National Library of Medicines, which catalogues such items of scientific interest, “Viagra (sildenafil citrate) is good not only for treating male impotence . . .  small concentrations of the drug dissolved in a vase of water can also double the shelf life of cut flowers, making them stand up straight for as long as a week beyond their natural life span.”

If this happened to a penis, they’d tell you to call a doctor. Fun’s fun, but . . . *

Loyal reader Maggie Hall, writing from her vacation perch in Corsica, and apparently having nothing better to do, forwarded a link to a column in the British publication The Daily Mail. Reporter Sarah Rainey put a pill to the test and was “astonished at the brightening and freshening effect” Viagra had on roses, tulips, and lilies, plus they stood tall for weeks longer than expected. 

She compared the drug with aspirin and flower food, neither of which gave an impressive performance, giving a boost for a handful of days. A copper coin dropped in the water fared much better. The water remained clear and the flowers stayed bright for nearly as long as those fed Viagra. 

The Business Insider, also following up on the story, said compared with 50 mg for an adult male, two vases of flowers need just 1mg of Viagra to stand erect. This is good since a 50 mg Viagra dose will set you back between $6, the online price for generic pills, to well over $100 from a pharmacy. Plus, the doctor visit. 

Viagra’s effect on cut flowers—fruits and vegetables too—has been known for 22 years. One wonders what made scientists test it on plants. It’s like the first person who ate an artichoke. Really, why would you?

One also wonders why it took 22 years for us to hear about it. For various reasons they just might not want us to know. Conspiracy theory ahead!

Wouldn’t grocers love to peddle an old head of cauliflower weeks past its sell-by date; and street vendors would make out like bandits, buying flowers that are past their prime, rejuvenating them, and selling them at a hefty profit. 

Florists, on the other hand, would have an interest in keeping this magic under wraps. Using Viagra on tulips would cremate their profits. If flowers last two to three times as long, you’d buy less than half as many, quickly bankrupting the industry. They must have some great lobbyists. 

But maybe it’s already happening in the grocery aisle. Consider lovely, spongy white bread. The quintessential vehicle for toasted cheese (American, of course). A month ago, I skipped the whole-grain and bought a retro loaf of Sara Lee Butter Bread, suddenly craving the squish and ooze of that toasted cheese sandwich. The last few slices are in the bag sitting oh-so-innocently on the kitchen counter, as fresh (looking) as the day they were born—presumably in the chemical factory. Just what are they spraying on that wheat?

I’ll leave it there for you to dwell upon. 

By the way, there was a delicious romantic comedy on TV a few years ago about reviving desiccated fruit for pies, Pushing Daisies. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a treasure that’s due for a resurrection.

*They say, Call a doctor, but never say what the doctor will do. You can dwell upon that too.