Take the Survey

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THESE DAYS everything you do or say online, or even in person, sparks an immediate survey asking how satisfied you were with whatever it was you just did. It’s nuts! Also annoying, like we have nothing else to do but give them free marketing data? I remember when you had to pay for that kind of thing and also were paid to participate in a survey. Now it’s just assumed you will tell anyone all they need to know in order to improve their services and thus wring more money from the public.

I began wondering if that survey thing could somehow work to my benefit. So starting today I will be sending surveys out to any and all people who come by for a visit, stay for a meal, use the bathroom or whatever. That way I can improve and maybe even get to a better spot in Heaven than I ordinarily would. You know, closer to God or something.

Following is the one I prepared for last Thursday when my husband and I hosted two family members and a guest for Thanksgiving. (Please don’t tell the Governor of New Jersey.)

2020 Thanksgiving Survey

1. How easy was it for you to find parking at the venue?

A) Ridiculously easy  B) Very easy  C) Somewhat ridiculously easy  D) Not at all hard

2. How worried were you that you would contract the coronavirus at the venue?

A) Not at all worried, I’m a moron   B) Somewhat worried   C) Very worried, I’m a moron

3. How would you rate the meal?

A) Fabulous  B) Excellent  C) Stupendous  D) Yummy  E) All of the above

4. How likely are you to recommend this venue to others?

A) Extremely likely  B) Very likely  C) Pretty likely  D) Highly likely

5. Who was your favorite person at the dinner?

A) The hostess  B) The host  C) The funny one  D) The pretty girl  E) The cat

6. Which stuffing did you like better?

A) Cooked inside the bird  B) Cooked in a pan in the oven

7. What might have improved your dining experience?

A) Being allowed to take off my mask to eat  B) Not having my temperature taken every 10 minutes

8. Overall, how did this year’s holiday compare with past holidays at this venue?

A) It sucked   B) It was similar except for all the anxiety  C) No different

—Andrea Rouda

Andrea Rouda blogs at The Daily Droid.