My Own Reality Show

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A FRIEND OF MINE recently started her own YouTube channel where she recounts amusing anecdotes, naturally starring her, in a personable, chatty style. Since she is very adorable and fun to look at, she might even get a following, who knows? I am not sure why one does this, but it got me thinking, what if I had my own reality YouTube show?

Some of the episodes might be real yawners, but some might grab the attention of some psychopath out there somewhere who would find out where I live, board a bus, get a gun and come here and shoot me in the head. Oops, sorry, that just slipped out, what I meant to say was that it might get the attention of someone who would then contact me and ask me to star in a reality TV show, and then publish my novel and turn it into a hit movie starring Bradley Cooper, Jack Black, Emma Stone, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Lawrence, Helen Mirren and of course Morgan Freeman. Not saying it definitely would, but as my father always said, “It could happen.”

Since what else am I doing, here are some episodes in the pipeline for Season One:

1. Daisy’s Birthday. Daisy the cat turns 20! On her big day she is even more finicky than ever, rejecting her special tuna cake breakfast. After a few bites, she throws up on the oriental rug that is currently valued for insurance purposes at $4,000. I spend much of the episode cleaning the rug.

2. The Explosion. I put two eggs in a pot to boil for some egg salad, then go take a quick shower. The shower lasts longer than expected, and then I take a phone call upstairs and forget about the boiling eggs. When I return to the kitchen I find that the water has boiled out, the eggs have popped open and there is egg all over the place. I spend much of the episode cleaning the kitchen walls and ceiling.

3. The Dead Body. Big Lurch the cat brings a dead mouse to the back door as a gift to me. I freak out and try to figure out how to dispose of it without getting sick to my stomach. Finally I put on garden gloves and get about ten plastic bags and, screaming all the while, pick up the dead mouse and wrap it in the plastic bags and throw it in the trash. I spend the rest of the episode washing my hands.

4. Travis the Plumber. The dishwasher breaks and there is water all over the kitchen floor. I call the plumber and until he arrives I mop up the water. The plumber adds some interest to the show, which until now has just been watching me and the cats. The plumber, Travis, is very talkative and quite a character. He is a true Mainer with a classic accent and says things like “Wicked good” in all sincerity. He is a recurring character in the series as a lot of things break in a house as old as ours.

5. A Gay Party. Mitch, my husband, calls from Chicago to say he has missed his connecting flight and will not be home until the next day. This news allows me to put off cooking the meal I had planned and instead have popcorn and Chianti for dinner. I watch Isaac Mizrahi on QVC, which is definitely the funniest show on TV.

6. A Work in Progress. I wake up in the morning, drink my lemon juice in warm water, make coffee and feed the cats. Then I sit down and check my email, play a few word games online, and get to work on my newest novel. I might even read some of it aloud just to be tantalizing.

So, what do you think? Would you watch?