50 Shades of Stupidity

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan in 50 Shades of Grey. / Universal Pictures

THERE ARE SO MANY reasons I will not see this latest blockbuster movie raking in tons of dough for its lucky author I don’t know where to start. Here are the top five:

1. I’m jealous. I self-published a novel many years ago, just like that lady did, and it went nowhere fast. So I’m pissed that she now has made more money than God on a piece of trash, at least by all accounts.

2. I have read several reviews of the film and according to reputable sources it is also trash, allegedly boring and annoying. I already have enough of that kind of thing in my own life.

3. Since my recent bout of diverticulitis I cannot eat popcorn, and sitting through a dull movie that runs just over two hours without it is unthinkable.

4. I’ve never heard of the male lead and thus my interest in seeing him, be he nude, dressed or in footie pajamas, is zero. If we were talking that French guy Richard Gere murdered in “Unfaithful” (Olivier Martinez) or James Gandolfini, even dead, I might reconsider.

5. I strive to remain outside the herd at all times and thus avoid being trampled to death like those poor people at the Wal-Mart every so often.

–Andrea Rouda
MyLittleBird contributor Andrea Rouda blogs at “Call Me Madcap.” 

*In an e-mail, writer Andrea Rouda notified MLB that the name of her blog has been changed to Daily Droid.